I hate the necessity of Erin’s job.
When we started out married she tried the stay-at-home thing but wanted… well, interaction. I can’t say that I blamed her. The idea of her with nothing to do all day seemed like a waste. Plus we couldn’t afford health insurance for her under my plan (small blessing looking back). So she took a low paying, “low stress” job. The quirks of that job could be contained because it wasn’t essential. She could walk away at any time.
I started hating her job the day I realized that I was probably never going to see another dime from Jim. Suddenly her job was no longer optional. It was all that was keeping us afloat. I remember the sick sinking feeling when the letters began to arrive stating that the insurance wouldn’t pay for the apnea surgery. I remember begging God for a job and considering working at fast food places just to make ends meet. I remember Erin saying that we shouldn’t panic and settle for less than God’s will.
In the back of my mind I have had to fight my own demons. The ones that say “You’ve failed. Your wife has to work. What kind of man has to have a wife that works? You’re not trying hard enough.” I hated the day that she got a new job making more than I did. I hated that she had benefits. I was an hourly wage slave with nothing. I was, and still am, mostly using her benefits. It’s still easy to be negative on the whole thing. And yet I am grateful for it for God provided that job as well. Far be it from me to call a blessing a curse.
What also should be remembered is the contract jobs that made ends meet. God literally dropped Scott into my lap and the projects he had were just enough. Even after tithing we never had to pay a bill late. Never. God fixed the insurance problem. God has given me a job that has been difficult at times but has been more rewarding than anything I could have imaged. If you had told me a year ago that i would write software that has done all it has I would have thought you were dreaming. God has put me into a company that’s 2 years old and doing better than anything I could have dared to hope for. I firmly believe that if I stay here long enough that my income should allow Erin to not work. I would not want her to HAVE to work ever again, regardless of whether or not we had children.
And yet I stare at the other path. I could probably take a job paying twice what I make now but it means working on weekends and probably being on call. It likely means 60-80 hour work weeks doing something I really don’t enjoy. I never got much time with my own father growing up. He worked 60-80 hours a week. He wasn’t often home when we were and was tired. I understand why he worked so long and hard but part of me still wishes there had been another way. I am not so inclined to do such a thing to my own children.
I’m also keenly aware that dumping Erin’s job on OUR timetable means economic ruin. Even stripping our budget down to the essentials (with no room for even saving extra money), we cannot live on my salary as it is now. God may very well choose to bless me down the road where I am but He has not done so now (and is almost maddeningly silent on the issue at present). To think of it brings up images of Jesus standing on the roof of the Temple with the Devil himself saying “Throw yourself down and angels will save you! For isn’t it written so?”. But it’s a half truth. God doesn’t tell people to kick rocks so he can move them out of the way. He isn’t saying “Jump blindly and I’ll catch you, even if I’ve not told you to jump”. So why would I tell my wife to quit her job, knowing full well we will be in financial ruin if she does? It’s not a matter of faith, it’s a matter of pragmatism. I have told God if He wants me to change jobs or move that I will do so. He gave us the house and the job (and even Ruthie) and I know full well He can take it away when He pleases (a tornado ripped through town yesterday so I am freshly reminded of that). So I am not going to jump off the temple because books and people say I should. I am not going to listen to that whelp of a demon, who must be hoarse by now, saying “You’re a failure”. Why? Because it’s God’s will, not mine. If God demands that we sacrifice seeing Ruthie rolling over or any other number of little firsts then so be it. If discomfort now means less painful lessons down the road I’m game. He knows where our hearts are and He’s not surprised by any of this. I just need some peace with the whole thing so I can stop getting in the way.
I love you and you have every single prayer I can direct your way. It pains me that you are upset and yet I know that you know I would be. I know that you know why. I know that you’ll go through your own journey.
“So why would I tell my wife to quit her job, knowing full well we will be in financial ruin if she does?”
You can’t know this. And I don’t think you even really beleive it. Stepping out into uncertainty (for that’s what it is…not surity) means you can’t see that other side. You are talented, employed, finacially free, and smart. There is little reason to beleive there is ruin in your future.
Ironically, Dave’s show dealt with this today. Provided there is no debt, bring mom home!
God isn’t demanding that you sacrifice seeing your daughter’s year of firsts. “You’re a failure” is most certainly a lie but that first line is as well. We in America live far too priveleged a life to suggest such extremism and you ain’t hurtin’ so bad that this is a necessary sacrifice to make. If only I could give you a glimpse into next spring, you’d know there is NOTHING on your budget list worth it enough to make this choice. No expenditure per month is worth the price you are going to pay.
You stand at a crossroads, one of those few but majorly important, places in adulthood where which way we go has a radical effect. I pray bravery and courage upon your head. I pray comfort and peace for your heart. I pray you can extend forgiveness and mercy for my uncompromising conviction, that only wants the best for you.
A song rang through my mind today, as much a part of this situation as from the spiritual explorations we’ve been going through. It’s from Michael Card, “It’s hard to imagine the freedom we find, from the things, we leave behind.”
Also this thought, a frequent one of Dave R’s: sacrificing now doesnt’ mean it’s forever. If you bring Erin home when Ruthie is born, you may cut a lot of things that are less imporant out of the budget for a while. Maybe until you get that raise or whatever windfall may come your way. Then, when you get it, you add that stuff back in. The plus is, all that time, Ruthie was home where babies belong, versus keeping that *stuff* until the raise, when yes, hooray, E and R come home but you’ve missed out on (and paid for) so much more.
If it’s about money the answers are there. Easy problems really. Just choices and strategy. If it’s about other reasons, that maybe aren’t so readily shared, then God will show you that.
P.S to Erin…I worked through my first pregnancy too. I’d forgotten that last night. No medical insurance until I was 6 months pregnant when David started at Healthlink. No financial ruin; it would be near sacrilidge for me to say it was. I know our lifestyle is not something you want to adopt and I don’t think you’ll have to. You are in an entirely different ball game than we were/are. Find a more affluent example of a stay at home mom to look at it if it helps. There’s lots of them out there.
I’m not harping on this anymore guys. I’ve said my peace. It has been an emotional and draining thing to watch you choose something (I feel unnecessarily) that I know in my heart is going to hurt you all, cost you much. I have difficulty separating my own life from it because a: I love you and I love my new little neice and b: this is how I spend every waking (and sleeping ha ha) minute of my life. I can’t be objective. Not one tiny bit. But, I’ve said how I’ll pray. I’ve said what I think. I’ve done what I can to encourage you and strengthen you with the only tools I have. So now I”m closing that door, turning and walking away. I’m going to prepare for our much anticipated holiday together where we will have fun and enjoy being together. Anything more to say will be either at your request or from my lips to God’s ears. I love you both; please don’t be mad at me.
As I have heard Erin say before, let God be God. There is still time for something to work out if it’s his will and like you said Joel, he knows your hearts. As parents, sometimes we have to make hard decisions and if you feel that peace, you know it was the right one. I “thought” I had to work with our first and I did until he was 3. Unfortunately, It’s something I will always regret. I too, felt that I needed that contact with people. I’m not saying that staying home is an easy adjustment when you are used to working- but you can’t get that time back either. Either way, your baby will be loved the same. I didn’t love Tyler less because I worked, it was a choice we made and lived with- too long. Can’t wait till the day Ruthie comes- God bless you guys!