Breathing and Pumping and Feeding (oh my)

So we have started THE classes for baby stuff. The kind that makes you think “OK, we kinda DID ask for this and we can’t back out now”. So Erin and I have been sitting for long hours in less than comfortable chairs learning about how to spit the baby out and feed it. Yes, feed it.

Birthing class has been interesting because we have a perky teacher. While I’m sure she is a fine nurse I don’t think she has quite gotten the art of neutrality. She tells us it’s not her goal to persuade or dissuade us from having a block (epidural) and later in the same class tells us that, if she could have, she would have had the block administered in the parking lot. She later noted that she wasn’t far enough along in labor to have a block when she arrived so she had to make do with something else until the block could be given. I’m sure no women in our class will have a block after that bit of info.

She then covers high school biology, complete with charts, diagrams and videos. It was about as exciting as biology class was too (complete with the overly technical filmstrip, er, movie about how to know you’re in labor). Then we went into breathing (better known as ‘Naptime Review’). Yet another blast from the past, she put on new age music and had us lay down. I declined as I knew I wouldn’t get back up from that floor if I did.

We’ve opted for natural childbirth which, as Bill Cosby put it, means Erin can have no drugs during the labor. I, however, am free to have all I want. Considering Erin has been cut out of a car and had numerous reconstructive surgeries I figure she’ll squint her face and go “ooooh” during contractions and that’s about it. So no blocks for her, just good old fashioned laboring. Alas, kiddie pool labor isn’t an option (Erin would freak if it got on the carpet) so we’ll be using a hospital. I know Tia is disappointed (I know she already had a kiddie pool picked out for us) but do you have any idea how much carpet costs these days? Oh, and something about state law too, I guess.

Last night was breastfeeding class. Rather interesting stuff. Boobs good. Formula bad. Apparently we need a class to teach us these things. The whole mess with formula started probably a result of World War II when women had to work and had less time to breastfeed. This created an industry that has worked hard to make it seem like breastfeeding is bad. And the #1 buyer of formula? WIC, a government program designed to “help” women and children. It turns out there’s a whole host of reasons to breastfeed and boatloads of misinformation and “conventional wisdom”. Just after the class Erin talked to some friends of ours (she is 8 months along) and both her parents and her in-laws have loaded them up with formula. Old habits die hard i guess. Thankfully she’s going to breastfeed as well.

The video on breastfeeding was OLD. As in there were people with mullets in there (and Cathy Rigby, too). It was narranted by the Breast Nazi and featured her with various bewildered shirtless women with the Tammy Faye makeup look. Such a violent thing this breastfeeding. Apparently there’s 4 steps to this

1. Position the baby. Along your side, stomach to stomach or propped up with something like a dozen pillows (less than that is NOT acceptable)
2. Grab the boob being careful NOT to grab any of the areola. I thought one woman was going to cry when she did it incorrectly and was chastized
3. Tease the baby with the nipple to start rooting action. Wait until they get bored and yawn and then…
4. Ram your baby’s face onto the boob

Apparently the babies do try to hoover it in but the video made it look like it was all the Breast Nazi shoving it. The whole class nervously laughed at the scene. I can’t wait until next week when we cover pumps. I wonder what the laughter at the announcement was all about, tho. Maybe it was because they say “Toby Mac” over and over (thanks for the warning Tara).